Jump to content
Sign in to follow this  
spudfan

To lighten the mood.

Rate this topic

Recommended Posts

An electrician arrived home at 3 AM.
 His wife asks:
 "Why are you insulate?"
 He replied:
 "Watt's it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?.

........................................................

After a tiff, the radio technician was going to separate from his gorgeous model girlfriend but was seen later with her hand-in-hand down at the beach. When asked if they'd sorted out their differences, he said "I just didn't have the capacity to resistor".

........................................................................

A man goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks.
 "May I ask what you're building?", asks the man behind the counter.
 "Yes, it's going to be a barbecue."
“That’s a lot of bricks for one bar-b-que." he says.
 The man says, "not really - I live on the 18th floor."

Edited by spudfan
  • Funny 4

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
8 hours ago, spudfan said:

An electrician arrived home at 3 AM.
 His wife asks:
 "Why are you insulate?"
 He replied:
 "Watt's it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?.

That's a bit old, don't you think? Can't we have some more current jokes?

  • Like 1
  • Funny 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Fair enough, I've seen the light and will now switch to another topic....

I've been reading a book on gravity - I can't put it down

  • Like 3
  • Funny 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

 Then there was the dyslexic Satanist who sold his soul to Santa.;)

And something completely different.........

A new recruit to the French Foreign Legion was been shown around the encampment by an officer. At the back of the tents they came across a solitary camel sitting down.
"What's the camel for?" asks the new recruit.
"Well" says the officer "there are over 200 men here with "urges and needs". When they need some relief they take it in turns to use the camel".
A couple of days later the officer is doing the rounds and he sees the new recruit, trousers down around his ankles having his evil way with the camel.
"What are you doing?" he roars.
The new recruit looks up and says "You said that when the men have "urges and needs" they use the camel. Well I have some "urges and needs" today so I'm using the camel"
The officer replies "When the men have "urges and needs" they ride the camel to the nearest town...…"

 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." 

Edited by spudfan
  • Funny 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A young army recruit fresh from basic training gets posted to a base way out in the desert. As he approaches the main gate, it suddenly swings open and a large crowd of soldiers come running out, shouting "The camels are coming! Hurrah! The camels are coming!"

Placing his kit bag on the ground, the young recruit watches this melee run past him. In their midst, he spies the Regimental Sergeant Major (RSM) to whom he shouts -

"Private Smith reporting Sir!"

The RSM pauses momentarily and looks at the recruit.

"Any orders Sir?" asks the recruit.

"Get in here with the rest and start running."

"Why Sir? Why should I run?"

The RSM shouted as he himself resumed running - "Look son, you don't want to end up with an ugly one....."

 

 

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings.

He came to a man holding a large broadsword. "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"Yes sire." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"See that daisy sire?" said the man pointing to the ground in front of him. At that the man stepped back, drew the sword high above his head, then brought it swiftly down and split the daisy head.

Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "He's good, make sure he is on my right side in the battle tomorrow."

Moving on, King Harold came to another man holding a large Battle-ax. "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"Yes sire." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"Do you see that bee above your head sire?" As Harold looked up the man swung the ax swiftly above the king's head and split the bee in two.

Again Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "He's good, make sure he is on my left side in the battle tomorrow."

Reaching a man at the end of the line, who was holding a bow and arrow, Harold asked him "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"No sire, I borrowed it." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"I'm not sure, I've never really used it before" replied the man.

"Look" said Harold, "There is a barn door over there, must be only 20 yards or so. See if you can fire an arrow at it."

The man fumbled with the bow and arrow, eventually releasing the arrow which went off at 90 degrees to where he should have been aiming.

Again Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "Keep him as far away from me as possible in the battle tomorrow. He's going to have someone's eye out with that thing."

 

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man tees off for a go around his local golf course by himself on a Sunday morning.

Seeing this, St. Peter goes to God.

"God, have you seen what that man is doing on the holy sabbath morning. He is playing golf."

"Yes, I can see that." says God.

"So what are you going to do to punish him God?" says St. Peter.

"Watch this." says God.

The man tees off from the 4th and by divine intervention his ball goes straight into the 4th hole - a "hole in one"..........

"Was that supposed to punish him?" asks St. Peter.

God rubbed his bread and smiled at St. Peter................

"Who is going to believe him?"

  • Like 2
  • Funny 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
2 hours ago, NIR said:

I dug up a small German bomb in my back garden when I was 10, threw it against a wall to see what happened, then reburied it. It's still there!

I know for sure it was a bomb as I remembered to ask some metal detectorists about it few years back. Just a small explosive to disrupt roofing so incendiaries can take hold. They asked me what I did with it and their heads rolled back and their eyes rolled back when I told them!

Apparently you are supposed to ring 999 and ask for RAF Bomb Disposal but, informally, they are happy leaving things alone

A friend of mine opened a hand grenade shop.

All was well for the first few hours, as everybody who bought one paid with cash.

But then a bloke wanted to pay with a card, so he asked him for the PIN...

  • Funny 3

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Two lads are sitting in the canteen having their lunch. Two women are sitting near them having their lunch. Suddenly one of the women starts to choke on a piece of food. Her friend is doing her best to dislodge it but without success. One of the lads jumps up and runs over to lend assistance. He gets behind the women in distress yanks down her jeans and underwear the he licks one of the cheeks of her rear end. Suddenly she coughs and up comes the piece of food and she spits it out. Her friend then proceeds to help her to get dressed. Our hero returns to his table and says to his friend.
"I always knew that Hind Lick Manouver would come in handy some day".

  • Funny 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Sign in to follow this  

×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

Terms of Use