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Well, thats them sorted  

Dont really know where to post this so I will stick it here   Due to someone dropping out, he is an essential worker and cannot change his shift. Is there anyone interested in a free helicopt

An electrician arrived home at 3 AM.  His wife asks:  "Why are you insulate?"  He replied:  "Watt's it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?. ........................................................

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Over seven years of dealing with tourists in the very same wisht Ciarraí, I never thought I'd say it, as I have always struggled to deal with ANY heavy accents, but I am pleasantly surprised to find that I kin undershtinnd that accent perfectly, boi.

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I'm reminded of another thing that used to go on with the Japanese chap. He had a friend at a university who sometimes got involved in what we were doing and came to see him. He had a name straight out of a 1930s crime novel - Doctor Fang. He was Chinese and also had good English, but with a (different) strong accent. We could cope with both of them, but they sometimes struggled to understand each other's spoken English and neither of them spoke the other's language.

However, there is an odd situation with the Japanese and Chinese languages, although they are mutually incomprehensible when spoken, there is a great amount of similarity when they are written. This meant that their conversations often ended up with them scribbling on bits of paper and flinging them at each other.

 

It sounds odd, initially, but we all have a similar thing with numbers - if a French chap says quatre-vingt-seize, we're stuck for a minute, as we translate it to four twenties and sixteen, but if he writes 96, there's no work to do at all...

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The Government in Egypt has asked the city's taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns.
It is hoped that the familiar sounds of the city will induce a return to tranquillity and normality following the recent pandemic.
Operation Toot 'n Calm 'Em will last for the rest of the week.

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I was doing a bit of painting in the times that are in it. I hurt my back, long story that I wont bore you with, so I looked in the local small ads for a painter. 
Got a call from a lad who could start the next day and he gave me a very reasonable quote.
He also asked if there were any other small jobs I wanted done.
When he arrived it turned out he was a pilot in Ryan Air and was out of work due to Covid.
Anyway I showed him the job and he got stuck in.
He made a fantastic job of the landing.......

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Those farmers remind me of a farmer who We came across when going over Healy Pass. I'm sure he drove his cattle along the road just to stop the traffic so he could interrogate you when you wound down the window to speak with him.   He could get your life story in 2 mins flat!  I mentioned it to our  holiday cottage owner and he knew him and explained  the tactic and how he had done it for years! Put a few tourists off though! Not Me!

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Well, I'm in the Hospital 
 Yesterday was not good at all! After spending the last couple of months quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding,
something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly,
but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.

Thankfully the manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride it again.

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1 hour ago, WRENNEIRE said:

Well, I'm in the Hospital 
 Yesterday was not good at all! After spending the last couple of months quarantined inside the house, I decided to go horseback riding,
something I haven't done in many years. It turned out to be a horrible mistake! I got on the horse and started out slowly,
but then we went a little faster; before I knew it, we were going as fast as the horse could go.
I couldn't take the pace and fell off and caught my foot in the saddle stirrup, the horse was then dragging me. The horse just would not stop.

Thankfully the manager at Tesco's came out and unplugged the machine. He actually had the nerve to take the rest of my coins so I wouldn't try to ride it again.

Talking of horses. This guy never put me in a hospital, but his sister did. Many many years ago in another time in another life.

image.png.9adc4e9cebd12e2433f7a2b0b3f7847b.png

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A police officer came to my door last night and asked where I was between 4 and 5.
He seemed irritated when I said "Kindergarten".

……………………………………………………………………………………..

My wife left me because of my obsession with horoscopes.

In the end it just Taurus apart.

How will I be able to pick up the Pisces?

…………………………………………………………………………………………..

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A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original Manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't Been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R
We missed the R
We missed the feckin R"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?" With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies "The word was ....

CELEBRATE"...........

 
 
 
 
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Dont really know where to post this so I will stick it here
 

Due to someone dropping out, he is an essential worker and cannot change his shift.
Is there anyone interested in a free helicopter flight tomorrow? Must have and bring their passport!
Will be leaving at 8.10am from Dublin and first fly direct to Galway Airport where we will have breakfast and enough time for a bit of shopping for the ladies and beer for the blokes . Afterwards we fly to Ballyglunin where we will take photos and measurements of   “Castletown Station” as used in the John Wayne and Maureen OHara film, "The Quiet Man". Then up to Cong to take some pics of the pub and to enjoy lunch and a bottle of fine wine or two. Later on in the afternoon we will then fly over to Downpatrick to check out the stock on display and have a personalised tour of the facility. The up to Belfast  for an evening dining alfresco before flying back to Dublin and hopefully land around midnight.

If you are interested, please comment - preferably only someone with a helicopter, as that is the only thing I'm missing.?

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Ah, I might have some spare time tomorrow morning, but I would need to know your weight, as I would need to do a test with a couple of bags of cement.
 

Also, it would be necessary for you just to bring a debit card - apart from the virus transmission issues of using cash, there is no way I could accommodate the weight of your wallet.

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Cinderella was now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now departed Prince, she sat happily in her rocking chair watching the world go by with her cat Alan.
One afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared her Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said, "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?"
The Fairy Godmother replied, "Well Cinderella since you have lived a good wholesome life since we last met, I have decided to grant you three wishes. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was overjoyed. "I wish I was extremely wealthy", she said.
Instantly, her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Alan, her cat, jumped off her lap and ran to the edge of the porch quivering with fear.
"Oh thank you Fairy Godmother," said Cinderella.
"Is there anything else you might wish for", asked the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, "I wish I was young and full of the beauty I once had."
At once, her wish was granted. Cinderella felt feeling inside her that she had not felt for years.
The Fairy Godmother said, "you have one wish remaining, what shall you have?"
Cinderella looked at her frightened cat in the corner and said, "I wish for you to turn Alan, my old cat, into a handsome young man."Magically, Alan suddenly underwent a change and then before them stood a young man with the looks and body that no other man could match.The Fairy Godmother again spoke "Congratulations Cinderella. Enjoy your new life," and with that, she was gone.For a few eerie moments, Cinderella and Alan looked into each other's eyes. Cinderella sat breathless, gazing at the most stunning, perfect man she had ever seen.
Then Alan walked over to Cinderella and held her close in his muscular arms. He leant in close to her ear and whispered in a warm breath,
"Bet you regret getting me neutered now, don't you?"

…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..

My mate bought a microscope and asked me to show him how to use it. I said "I'm not sure if I can but I'll look into it.

Edited by spudfan
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On 8/22/2020 at 9:08 PM, spudfan said:

Would you play golf with someone and allow them to mark your score card as you progress through the game if they cannot count how many people there are at a table?

Apparently the ex minister was a decent golfer - he swings like Maria Bailey and drives like Barry Cowen................

 

 

 

 

 

I'll get me coat..........................

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A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines

................................................................................................................................................................

 The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense

...............................................................................................................................................................

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

.......................................................................................................................................................................

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

................................................................................................................

And finally...A dyslexic walks into a bra.

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clipboard_image_6e91bf88.jpg

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A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralysed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed."

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A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went hiking. Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.
They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.
The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The Hindu priest said, “I need no material comforts. I will gladly take the barn.”
The rabbi and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the Hindu priest standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there is a cow in the barn, and I cannot sleep beside such a holy animal.”
The rabbi said, “No problem, my brother. I’ll take the barn.
The Hindu priest and the politician were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the rabbi standing there.
“So sorry, my friends, but there’s a pig in the barn, and I can’t sleep beside such a filthy animal.”
The politician said, “OK, let it be remembered that I sacrificed my comfort for the greater good.”
The rabbi and the Hindu priest were settling in when they heard a knock on the door. They opened it to find the pig and the cow standing there.

Edited by spudfan
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On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...
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11 hours ago, WRENNEIRE said:
 
On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
And God saw it was good.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God, again saw it was good.
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed it was good.
On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back,
the ten the monkey gave back,
and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God, "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves.
For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren.
And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information.
I'm doing it as a public service.
If you are looking for me I will be on the front porch...

Speak for yourself....🥳

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