Not as planned

[spudfan]

Stood up to make my speech at my daughter's wedding. Took out the sheet of paper from my pocket with the speech on it. Looked at it and...it was a list of stuff I wanted the mechanic to check on the car while in for a service. Yep, wrong sheet of paper. I had to wing it.

[Mol_PMB]

8 minutes ago, spudfan said:

Stood up to make my speech at my daughter's wedding. Took out the sheet of paper from my pocket with the speech on it. Looked at it and...it was a list of stuff I wanted the mechanic to check on the car while in for a service. Yep, wrong sheet of paper. I had to wing it.

I bet you did a great job, all the better for being spontaneous.

Hopefully their married life will be steered in the right direction, perfectly balanced, well lubricated and won't go rotten round the sills.

[Horsetan]

20 hours ago, Mol_PMB said:

....perfectly balanced, well lubricated ...

How long ye reckon that single-piston engine will last before being declared shagged-out?

[Horsetan]

20 hours ago, spudfan said:

Stood up to make my speech at my daughter's wedding. Took out the sheet of paper from my pocket with the speech on it. Looked at it and...it was a list of stuff I wanted the mechanic to check on the car while in for a service. Yep, wrong sheet of paper. I had to wing it.

Years ago, our family car was a Mk.1 VW Jetta, the basic "C" model in Mars Red. Quite a reliable thing; we had it for about 6 years. Anyhow, in those days, the family used to do the weekly shop at the nearby shopping centre, which was one of the first of its kind and still exists today in expanded form, even busier than before.

We parked in the multistorey car park, did the shop, and returned to the car. I unlocked the doors and the boot, heaved the bags in, then got in and started the car.....except that the key wouldn't turn in the ignition. Hmmm, it's never done that before, so I kept trying, and still the key wouldn't turn. So, as I sat there, I looked up to see a tree-shaped air freshener hanging from the rear-view mirror.....and then it slowly dawned on me that we didn't have one of those.

I got out of that car and removed the shopping from the boot quicker than a feral stealing a smartphone. About three bays away was another red Jetta. Our car. Turns out the one we got into was identical, except for the air freshener and the registration....which was from the same year but which I hadn't noticed. ....and this all serves to show that there's only a finite number of car key patterns. My key was enough to get into someone else's car. Imagine if I'd been able to start it and get it home?

[Broithe]

I lived in digs in the mid-70s. The landlord had a yellow Mk1 Escort - his pride and joy. The landlady really only went in it at the weekend, always shopping on a Saturday morning. They habitually parked on some waste ground, the result of a famous fire in the 60s. One day, they came back and loaded up the car, setting off or home with the week's supplies.

About a mile into the journey, she started to notice that the car was not as pristine as he usually kept it - sweet wrappers in the ashtray, fingerprints on the windows, etc.

"You've let this car get into a bit of a state!"

Suddenly, he could see what she had seen, and that the mileage was a lot higher suddenly.

Realising what had happened they turned round and went back, the space the car had been in had been occupied again in their absence, so they parked as near to their own car as they could and emptied the boot as quickly as possible, keeping an eye out for the real owner. He appeared just after that had cleared the scene, looking mystified that his car was not where he thought he'd parked it and, looking round, he saw it off in the distance.

He got in and started it, driving off past them. as they were still loading up their real car.

He probably never knew, but might have wondered why the car was already warm...

Edited January 24 by Broithe

[Tullygrainey]

Not quite so dramatic but I once arrived at my car in a carpark, pressed the remote and heard the central locking click open. However the doors wouldn't open. Locked it again and tried a second time. And a third. Same result each time. Finally realised that my car, an identical grey VW Golf, was the next one along in the row which was why I could hear the locks clicking.

[murrayec]

Snap! 

I came back to my car to find a man n woman trying to open it, they were very frustrated and not too nice when I asked could I help. I clicked the car open and the man was alarmed as to how I had his key. It got sorted when he realized his car was the one parked behind mine.

[jhb171achill]

On 23/1/2026 at 5:15 PM, spudfan said:

Stood up to make my speech at my daughter's wedding. Took out the sheet of paper from my pocket with the speech on it. Looked at it and...it was a list of stuff I wanted the mechanic to check on the car while in for a service. Yep, wrong sheet of paper. I had to wing it.

"....We are gathered here today to witness the happy union of my daughter, Alternator, and our new son-in-law, Punctured spare wheel!....."

[Broithe]

I used to park my Honda in the same place on a Saturday, on my weekly venture into town, back in the 70s, when we still did stuff like that. There was a handy gap in the wall that created a useful short-cut from 'my spot'.

The 400/4 was not a hugely secure vehicle and I arrived back there one day to find that it was absent.

I was annoyed, but not greatly surprised, there had been at least two attempts at stealing it before.

At that time, the town's cop shop was only about 200 yards away and was still open most of the time, so I went off to report the event.

There were a few people in front of me at the desk - this turned out to be useful, as it meant that, by the time I was standing in front of the sergeant at the counter, I was able to say "Ah, I remember where it is now!", and leave him to deal with other more serious matters.

I had arrived to find that there was no space for me that morning and had parked it about a quarter of a mile away, on the site of the demolished fire station...

 

At the factory where I worked, we had a manager who was a constant source of amusement - every few days, he would perform some bizarre, but interesting, 'theatre'.

One day, it was lashing down when lunch hour arrived, so he drove to the canteen in his company car. At the end of the day, when he went to go home, the car was nowhere to be seen - so, he called the police, who eventually arrived and questioned him about the event.

"When did you last see your car, Sir?"

"I drove to the canteen at lunch time."

"Mmm, and did you drive it back here, Sir?"

At this point, Malcolm realised that it had stopped raining as he ate his dinner and he had walked back to the office in the nice, warm sunshine...

Edited January 30 by Broithe

[jhb171achill]

Where our old family home was in Dublin, I was visiting one day in the early 2000s to see my elderly aunt who lived there. I had a new car (blue Ford Focus), but it was normally driven by Madam, while I was driving about myself in my aunt's 20-year-old red Polo (she was to old to drive at this stage). But THIS time, as almost a one-off, I had "borrowed" my OWN Ford Focus to visit the oul wan. I always went there in her old Polo as that's what i normally drove.

Went into the house, checked up on her, got her shopping list for Dunnes, and came out to go to get her messages. And what do I find - some damn clown had parked a blue Ford Focus RIGHT across my gateway. Since Junior's car (separate issue) was inside the gate, I thought "how will he get out"? Across the road was having a family gathering of some sort, so I knocked on the door to ask whoever was in there to move it. Out came the householder. "It's not one of ours", sez he.

Then I realised I had the keys of this car in my pocket.......................................................................................................................

Edited January 30 by jhb171achill

[Tullygrainey]

Reading through this thread, I'm amazed any of us can find our own way home unaccompanied. Should we not have carers?

[Broithe]

2 hours ago, Tullygrainey said:

Reading through this thread, I'm amazed any of us can find our own way home unaccompanied. Should we not have carers?

Years ago, I had a pickup with a fibreglass top over the rear bed - very handy, but it made reversing on a turn very awkward. It was necessary to reverse into my drive, so I could emerge into the main road with much better visibility when driving back out.

At the time, a girl two doors away had a boyfriend with a red Cortina, he always parked in the same place in the road and, if I pulled up right behind him, then a full left-lock would get me reliably into the entrance of my drive.

This was very handy and I came to rely on it over the months that the romance lasted.

Until one night when I pulled up, reversed in and got out of the driver's door - only to find myself ensnared in a very vicious rose bush that I haven't got.

Extricating myself from the rose bush, I could see that I was actually in the front garden of a house about a hundred yards from mine.

The car that I had pulled up behind was at least red, but it was an Alfa Romeo.

I paid a bit more attention to fully establishing landmarks for a while after that...

Edited January 31 by Broithe

[jhb171achill]

On 31/1/2026 at 10:36 AM, Tullygrainey said:

Reading through this thread, I'm amazed any of us can find our own way home unaccompanied. Should we not have carers?

Yes, in white coats!

[derek]

Talking of absent mindedness, a former boss of mine must have invented the term. Having completed the manufacture of a fitted kitchen, we ( including the boss) loaded up the white van for delivery to site. This even included strapping some stuff to the roof. Job done, boss hands out instructions for the next job in the workshop, then goes outside, jumps into the much smaller blue van. He drives the empty van 8 miles to the site, only to discover his blunder. Had to be seen to be believed.

[jhb171achill]

I had a French teacher at school when I was about 13/14, who was notoriously absent minded. He lived sufficiently close to the school to walk, albeit a long enough walk, but normally drove. One day he walked to school, taught all day, and at home time noticed his green Triumph Herald was not in the staff car park. 

He reported it stolen to the local constabulary…..

 

Edited February 3 by jhb171achill

[Horsetan]

On 31/1/2026 at 10:36 AM, Tullygrainey said:

Reading through this thread, I'm amazed any of us can find our own way home unaccompanied. Should we not have carers?

Be careful what you wish for....

[Broithe]

19 hours ago, jhb171achill said:

I had a French teacher at school when I was about 13/14, who was notoriously absent minded. He lived sufficiently close to the school to walk, albeit a long enough walk, but normally drove. One day he walked to school, taught all day, and at home time noticed his green Triumph Herald was not in the staff car park. 

He reported it stolen to the local constabulary…..

We had an obnoxious teacher who had a white Mini, with that white paint that quickly established a matt finish. One of the lads was convinced that it would be possible to lift it, with enough of us around it, and move it from 'his personal spot' in the school car park.

This proved to be true, and we shifted it quite a way to the other side of the car park.

Then, someone suggested that some water-based poster paint would be a good way to even further disguise it - so, it was quickly painted a nice red colour.

At the time, I had a job after school, setting out stuff for the science classes for the next day. This meant that I was leaving and walking across the car park, just as he was discussing his stolen car with the two coppers that had turned up.

He was standing with his back to the car, as he was looking at the vacant space where it had been, but the copper taking notes was facing in the opposite direction. He had just written down the registration number when he looked up and said, as I was 'innocently' walking past, "Would that be your car over there, Sir?"

Between holding my breath and clenching my teeth, it's a wonder I didn't do lasting damage as I tried to vacate the scene without giving myself away...