Best joke of 2013 - so far!

[heirflick]

Bertie Ahern, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.

 

While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.

 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.

 

Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.

 

Finally Bertie Ahern gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the devil informs him that the cost is 20 cents. Bertie just smiles.

 

Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the devil why Ahern got to call Ireland for only 20 cents??

 

 

 

are you ready……………??

 

 

 

 

The devil smiles and replies:

 

"Since Enda Kenny took over,

 

the whole country has gone to hell.

 

So it's a local call."

[Train model]

Two blonds are out on the town one night,they take a short cut through a dark alley one of them falls down an open man hole cover and her friend calls Sharon are you all right did you break anything and a voice calls back no babes there's nothing down here to break

[Broithe]

Blonde walks into a library, goes straight up to the counter and says "Two bags of chips, please."

 

The librarian patiently says, "This is a library."

 

"Ooh, sorry", says the blonde, and whispers "Two bags of chips, please."...

[WRENNEIRE]

A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman,

" Can I have a pint of stout, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please ? "

 

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint and a ham and cheese Toastie..

 

The rabbit drinks the stout and eats the Toastie. He then leaves.

The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint,

and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit

and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the

rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves.

 

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint and a Ham and Cheese

Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and

Toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

 

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

 

The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are

right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears

his throat nervously and says, 'We do have a very nice Cheese and Onion

Toastie.'

The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent...

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let

down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of stout and a Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the stout and guzzles the Toastie.

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

 

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

 

One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who

has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white

form, floating above the bar...

The barman says, 'Who are you?’

To which he is answered,

I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of stout and a Ham and

Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.’

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know... .’

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it..

 

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'

 

'I DIED', said the rabbit.

'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...

 

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

 

 

Sorry.........

[heirflick]

[quote=WRENNEIRE;

 

'Mixin-me-toasties.'

 

 

[Train model]

That a 3 mins ill never get back

[heirflick]

When Mozart passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple

days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard

some strange noises coming from the area where Mozart was buried.

Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it.

The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave,

listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Mozart's Ninth Symphony,

being played backwards."

 

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony,

And it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."

So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the

Sixth...the Fifth..." Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned

on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the

cemetery. "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Mozart decomposing.":rolleyes:

[WRENNEIRE]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

 

Man: "Hello?"

 

Woman: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

 

Man: "Yes."

 

Woman: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only two thousand euro. Is it okay if I buy it?"

 

Man: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

 

Woman: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2013 models. I saw one I really liked."

 

Man: "How much?"

 

Woman: "I think its 68,000 euro."

 

Man: "Okay, but for that price I want it with all the options."

 

Woman: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... The house we wanted last year is back on the market. The asking-price is 1.25 million."

 

Man: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer 1 mil."

 

Woman: "Okay, honey, you're the best! I love you!"

 

Man: "Bye, I love you, too."

 

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

 

He starts to smile and asks: "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"

[heirflick]

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant. “Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.” Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?” “Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”

[patrick]

A drunk falls out of a second floor window. His friend rushes outside and asks him what happened. I don't know he replied, I just got here.

[heirflick]

A husband and wife were golfing when suddenly the wife asked, "Honey, if I died would you get married again?" The husband said, "No sweetie." The woman said, "I'm sure you would." So the man said, "Okay, I would" Then the woman asked, "Would you let her sleep in our bed?" And the man replied, "Ya, I guess so." Then the wife asked, "Would you let her use my golf clubs?" And the husband replied, "No, she's left handed.":rolleyes:

[heirflick]

its a slow day........

 

A man walks into a crowded local bar brandishing a revolver yelling "Who’s been screwing my wife?" A voice from the back of the bar shouts back, "You don’t have enough ammo, mate!":facepalm:

[heirflick]

There's a guy sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. After a while a big trouble-making truck driver walks in and stands next to him, takes the drink from the guy and drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that", says the man. "This day is the worst of my life. First I fall asleep and then I'm late to my job. Because I'm late my boss fires me. When I leave I found out my car was stolen. I get a taxi home and when I leave it I remember I left my wallet and credit cards on the seat in the taxi. The driver just drives away with them. I go home and when I get there I find my wife in bed with the gardener and the postman. I leave home and come to this bar. "And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life you show up and drink my poison!"

[David Holman]

Pierre is a fighter pilot. And French.

One day, he takes his girl friend, Fifi on a picnic and after they have eaten, the settle down for a cuddle.

Kiss me Pierre, she says.

Pierre responds but first pours red wine on her mouth.

Pierre! what are you doing?

He replies - I am Pierre the fighter pilot, and when I kiss your lips, I must have the rich red wine to compliment them.

Soon, Fifi's top comes off, but to her surprise, before kissing her bosom, he pours half a bottle of chardonnay over her.

Pierre!! What are you doing?

I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I kiss the soft mounds of your bosom I must have this fine chardonnay to go with it.

Things progress and Fifi huskily requests Pierre to 'kiss her down there'

Pierre responds by pulling down her knickers, pouring brandy on her muff and setting fire to it

 

PIERRE, what are you doing?????

 

I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames!

 

Easily expandable and best done in a suitable accent. Must be one of the best ever.

[Train model]

That's worst than wrenns

[Garfield]

That's worst than wrenns

 

I don't know about that... I had a laugh at it. Definitely no worse than your blonde joke.

[josefstadt]

Notorious bandit Brown Paper Pete came riding into town

on his brown paper horse

with his brown paper hat,

his brown paper boots

and in his hand was

his brown paper gun ...

they hanged him for rustling.

[heirflick]

Notorious bandit Brown Paper Pete came riding into town

on his brown paper horse

with his brown paper hat,

his brown paper boots

and in his hand was

his brown paper gun ...

they hanged him for rustling.

 

[WRENNEIRE]

A Husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

 

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

 

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

 

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

 

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

 

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you... You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself."

 

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

 

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

 

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

 

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

 

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

 

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"

 

"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

 

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

 

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

 

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. I'd do the same for you!"

 

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked,

 

"How old are you and your husband?"

 

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

 

 

"No Kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

[heirflick]

[heirflick]

Hitler visits a lunatic asylum. The patients give the Hitler salute. As he passes down the line he comes across a man who isn’t saluting.

“Why aren’t you saluting like the others?” Hitler barks.

“Mein Führer, I’m the nurse," comes the answer. "I’m not crazy!”

[irishthump]

An official from the HSE is visiting the director of a mental hospital....

 

"Doctor, can you tell me how you decide whether an individual should be committed to this institution?"

 

The doctor replies "It's simple. I ask the person to fill the bathtub then I place a teaspoon, a cup and a bucket in front of them and tell them to

empty the bath as quickly as possible."

 

"Ah, so if they choose the bucket they are sane?"

 

"No, they are sane if they pull out the plug. Now do you want a bed by the window?"