Irish train jokes

[heirflick]

lads, we model them, take pictures of them, travel in them, curse them...so we might as well have a laugh at them!!!

 

 

Priests on a Train

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Four irish priests board a train for a long journey to a church council conference. Shortly into the trip, one pries says "Well, we've all worked together for many years, but don't really know one another. I suggest we tell each other one of our sins."

 

They look nervously at each other but nod OK. The first irish priest says "Since I suggested it, I'll go first. With me it's the drink. Once a year I take off my collar and go out of town to a pub and drink myself blind for a few days. Get it out of my system."

 

They all look each other again nervously, but the next irish priest slowly starts "Wellll... with me, it's gambling. Periodically, I nick the money out of the poor box and go to the races. Spend it all! I get it out of my system."

 

The third, who is really nervous now reluctantly says "This is very difficult. My sin is worse. I take off my collar and go into the red light district, pick out a lass, and spend a week in the saddle. I REEEEAAALY get it out of my system."

 

They all look at the fourth irish priest waiting. He doesn't say anything. Then one of the four speaks up "Come now, we've all told our innermost faults. It's your turn."

 

He looks at the others and starts hesitantly "Welllllll... I'm an inveterate gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train!":rolleyes:

 

 

 

 

 

.................................

 

 

 

 

 

Irish Train Slap

 

 

 

An Irish man, an english man, an old woman and a attractive young girl were riding in a train car. When the train went through a tunnel there was a loud SMACK! When the train came out the englishman had a huge red hand print on his face.

 

The old woman thought, "He must have grabbed that young girl."

 

The young girl thought, "He must have grabbed that old woman thinking it was me."

 

The englisman thought, "She must have slapped me thinking I was the Irish man."

 

The Irish man thought, " I can't wait for another tunnel so I can smack that english man again:rolleyes:

 

.......................

 

 

 

Passenger Complaint - Funny Train Story

 

The following is allegedly an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the Irish Railway Company [Larnrod Eireann]. Kindly sent in by John Morris

 

Gentlemen,

 

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

 

Yours truly,

 

Patrick Finnegan

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Reply from Larnrod Eireann Railways

 

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

 

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

 

Sincerely,

 

Larnrod Eireann.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Last word from Mr Finnegan

 

Gentlemen,

 

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in the last two years!

 

Yours truly,

 

Patrick

[Broithe]

Most of Frederick Forsyth's humourous short story Sharp Practice takes place on a Heuston to Tralee train..

 

Although they didn't seem able to find a suitably accurate picture for the cover..

 

[Warbonnet]

 

An Irish man, an english man, an old woman and a attractive young girl were riding in a train car.

 

[WRENNEIRE]

A man and a woman, who have never met before, find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on an overnight train

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, he leans over and gently wakes the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the wardrobe to get me a second blanket,I'm awfully cold?."

"I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims.

"Good," she replies. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

 

 

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" he yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The man sees the same conductor walk again.

He leans out the window and yells, "What happened?

"Did we catch up with the cow again?"

[Broithe]

A passenger train is creeping along, slowly. Finally it creaks to a halt. A passenger sees a conductor walking by outside.

"What's going on?" he yells out the window.

"Cow on the track!" replies the conductor.

Ten minutes later, the train resumes its slow pace.

Within five minutes, however, it stops again.

The man sees the same conductor walk again.

He leans out the window and yells, "What happened?

"Did we catch up with the cow again?"

 

I've put this up before - and I'll put it up again, no doubt..

 

[heirflick]

cant help it lads...sorry!

 

 

An executive in irish rail was in a quandary. He had to get rid of one of his staff. He had narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It would be a hard decision to make, as they were both equally qualified and both did excellent work. He finally decided that in the morning whichever one used the water cooler first would have to go. Debra came in the next morning, hugely hung-over after partying all night. She went to the cooler to get some water to take an aspirin and the executive approached her and said:

 

"Debra, I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

 

Debra replied, "Could you jack off, I have a terrible headache."

Edited June 11, 2012 by heirflick

[heirflick]

Mr Smith gets into work late for the 5th time in five days and his boss says: "OK Smith, what's the excuse today? "Let's hear a good excuse for a change."

"I'm very sorry boss," he says, "everything went wrong this morning, my wife decided to drive me to the station. She got ready in ten minutes but we got stuck in traffic. I didn't want to let you down so I got out of the car, knocked a policeman off his motor bike, stole his bike and raced through the streets to the station with siren screaching, the train was just pulling out of the platform so I ran after it and jumped on the back, I clung on at speeds of 100mph for 30 minutes but it didn't stop in the station so I jumped off on the viaduct into the swollen river and swam through raging torrents, got out of the river and grabbed a passing fire engine, clung on for dear life and it dropped me off here - and here I am - look, my suit's still damp!"

"You'll have to do better than that, Smith," said the boss, disappointed. "That's unbelievable, no woman can get ready in ten minutes!"

[heirflick]

Jim wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

At the job interview the inspector asked him this question: "What would you do if you saw 2 trains heading for each other on the SAME track?

Jim said: "I would put all signals to danger"

"What if they were going too fast?", asked the inspector.

Jim said," I would switch the points for one of the trains."

"What if the lever broke?", asked the inspector.

"Then I'd dash down the signal box steps waving a red flag", said Jim.

"What if it blew away in the wind?" asked the inspector.

"Then I'd run back into the signal box & phone the next signal box."

"What if the phone was engaged?"

"Well.....in that case," persevered Jim, "I'd rush down out of the box & use the public emergency phone at the level crossing."

"What would you do if THAT was vandalized?"

"Oh well, then I'd run into the village & get my Uncle Seamus."

This puzzled the Inspector, "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash!!"

[heirflick]

Three engineers and three accountants were traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each bought tickets and watched as the three engineers bought only one ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked an accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer.

They all boarded the train. The accountants took their respective seats, but the three engineers all crammed into a rest room and closed the door behind them. Shortly after the train departed, the conductor came around collecting tickets. He knocked on the restroom door and said, "Ticket, please". The door opened just a crack and a single arm emerged with a ticket in hand. The conductor took it and moved on. The accountants saw this and agreed it was a quite clever idea.

So, after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all that). When they got to the station, they bought a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers didn't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to ride without a ticket"? said one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see", answered an engineer. When they boarded the train, the three accountants crammed into a restroom and the three engineers crammed into another one nearby. The train departed. Shortly afterward, one of the engineers left his restroom and walked over to the restroom where the accountants were hiding.

He knocked on the door and said, "Ticket, please".

[Guest hidden-agenda]

A mother was travelling on a train from Dublin to the country with her young son when her child asked the awkward question of where babies came from. The mother stayed cool and replied that a stork brought a bouncing baby to the happy mummy and daddy at night time. An off duty train guard was sat opposite and having had a few pints he could,nt help but blurt out that,s rubbish woman tell the child the truth babies are born because of dirty woman who cant behave them selves and don't always know which man to blame. The mother was furious and the guard sat grinning from ear to ear. after a few minutes the child asked mummy if the woman has a baby and does,nt know who the daddy is what sort of baby would that be.Quick as a flash the mother replied An ugly B*****d who gets a job as a train guard.

[Horsetan]

Standing on the LUAS comin' from Tallaght one morning. Two drunks got on at Heuston. There was a girl obviously going to work all dolled up in makeup and a black dress.

 

One of the drunks looks at her and shouts down to his mate at the other end of the carriage: "Jaysus Jimmy, ders a fine lookin bird in front of me here!"

 

To which Jimmy replies: "Is she a fine ting?"

 

The other one starts smiling and leering at her: "She looks da spit of ur wan, Princess Di".

 

Then Jimmy just shouts back: "Before or after the crash?"

 

[heirflick]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

 

 

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a train next to a

 

priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with

 

red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of

 

his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

 

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say

 

Father, what causes arthritis?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being

 

with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your

 

fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a

 

bath."

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned," Then

 

returned to his paper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and

 

apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong.

 

How long have you had arthritis?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading

 

here that the Pope does."

[Flying Scotsman 4472]

Standing on the LUAS comin' from Tallaght one morning. Two drunks got on at Heuston. There was a girl obviously going to work all dolled up in makeup and a black dress.

 

One of the drunks looks at her and shouts down to his mate at the other end of the carriage: "Jaysus Jimmy, ders a fine lookin bird in front of me here!"

 

To which Jimmy replies: "Is she a fine ting?"

 

The other one starts smiling and leering at her: "She looks da spit of ur wan, Princess Di".

 

Then Jimmy just shouts back: "Before or after the crash?"

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry but I don't find that particularly funny Bad taste if you ask me

[heirflick]

A Boy and his Train

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen and listening to her son playing with his new electric trains in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop. All of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train now, because we're leaving."

 

The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room for two hours. When you come down, you may play with your trains as long as you use proper language."

 

Two hours later, the mother was still working in the kitchen when her son came out of his room and resumed playing with his trains. The train stopped and the mother heard, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. For those just boarding, we ask you to stow your hand luggage under the seat and we hope you enjoy your trip. For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

[heirflick]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

 

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

 

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

 

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

 

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

 

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

[Weshty]

A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

 

She lies down on the bed... just then, a train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

 

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

 

Exasperated, she calls the front desk, asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

 

The manager is skeptical but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

 

Just then the husband walks in. "What," he says, "are you doing here!?!"

 

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"

Laughed out loud. Not good in open plan office.... ;-)

[Flying Scotsman 4472]

I have a little Satnav

 

It sits there in my car

 

A Satnav is a driver's friend

 

It tells you where you are

 

 

I have a little Satnav

 

I've had it all my life

 

It's better than the normal ones

 

My Satnav is my wife

 

 

It gives me full instructions

 

Especially how to drive

 

"It's thirty miles an hour", it says

 

"You're doing thirty five"

 

 

It tells me when to stop and start

 

And when to use the brake

 

And tells me that it's never ever

 

Safe to overtake

 

 

It tells me when a light is red

 

And when it goes to green

 

It seems to know instinctively

 

Just when to intervene

 

 

It lists the vehicles just in front

 

And all those to the rear

 

And taking this into account

 

It specifies my gear.

 

 

I'm sure no other driver

 

Has so helpful a device

 

For when we leave and lock the car

 

It still gives its advice

 

 

It fills me up with counselling

 

Each journey's pretty fraught

 

So why don't I exchange it

 

And get a quieter sort?

 

 

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,

 

Makes sure I'm properly fed,

 

It washes all my shirts and things

 

And keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages

 

And my tendency to scoff,

 

I only wish that now and then

I could turn the ****er off.

[heirflick]

youd better hope amanda doesnt see that!!

[WRENNEIRE]

That's not a train joke

I dont think it's particularly funny

Bad taste if you ask me

[108]

F******g brilliant. I'm the one laughing on the train on my own.

[Flying Scotsman 4472]

youd better hope amanda doesnt see that!!

 

I'll have to hide if she see's it

[Broithe]

I'll have to hide if she see's it

 

Don't try to hide in a Smart car...!!?

[Flying Scotsman 4472]

That's not a train joke

I dont think it's particularly funny

Bad taste if you ask me

 

 

 

Now Now put that big stirring stick of yours away its of a lot better taste than the joke you are referring to.

[IrishModelRail]

Railway humour is the best humour!

[heirflick]

i bet you lads didnt know that Elvis Presley loved steam trains. thats why he sang ' love me tender'!

[Garfield]

[heirflick]

lads, ye got to hear this.........

 

have heard it all now!!

[Glenderg]

" a danger to himsellf..."

[Garfield]

" a danger to himsellf..."

 

It was the "watch out for the tosser" part that made me spit out my tea...

[heirflick]

nice to hear the signalman sparing a thought for a possible female driver catching the offending person 'amusing himself while abusing himself' ! great to hear the lads with a sense of humour! hopefully, you wouldnt hear that on irish rail telemetery....or would you?

[Garfield]

hopefully, you wouldnt hear that on irish rail telemetery....or would you?

 

"Reports that Pikey Mikey has been spotted under the track again"

 

"Oh yeah? Going to notch 8..."

[heirflick]

was out the dublin side of portarlington taking a few pics during the summer. had my trusted scanner with me as i was watching and listening to the aer corps who were performing close formation flying overhead. after one train tore past, the rest seemed to slow down dramatically. tuned into the telemetery only to find out that the first train warned signal control in dublin that there was some member of the public close to the line taking pics....took a while to cop that it was me! lesson well learned!

[WRENNEIRE]

A little off topic but I just heard that Mark Clattenburg has been sacked by the English FA

He called Torres a "striker"???

[Broithe]

A little off topic but I just heard that Mark Clattenburg has been sacked by the English FA

He called Torres a "striker"???

 

Seems fair enough to me - he's been on strike for quite a while...

[WRENNEIRE]

Anybody hear about the Irish property developer who had a penchant for class 55 locos?

Apparently he was a Deltic Tiger.