To lighten the mood.

[spudfan]

An electrician arrived home at 3 AM.
 His wife asks:
 "Why are you insulate?"
 He replied:
 "Watt's it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?.

........................................................

After a tiff, the radio technician was going to separate from his gorgeous model girlfriend but was seen later with her hand-in-hand down at the beach. When asked if they'd sorted out their differences, he said "I just didn't have the capacity to resistor".

........................................................................

A man goes into a builder’s yard and orders 20,000 bricks.
 "May I ask what you're building?", asks the man behind the counter.
 "Yes, it's going to be a barbecue."
“That’s a lot of bricks for one bar-b-que." he says.
 The man says, "not really - I live on the 18th floor."

Edited June 1, 2019 by spudfan

[WRENNEIRE]

Dont give up the day job Spud

[JasonB]

I think somebody has found an unopened box of christmas crackers. 

[Broithe]

8 hours ago, spudfan said:

An electrician arrived home at 3 AM.
 His wife asks:
 "Why are you insulate?"
 He replied:
 "Watt's it to you, I'm ohm, aren't I?.

That's a bit old, don't you think? Can't we have some more current jokes?

[spudfan]

"Shocked" that you see it that way.....

[Broithe]

Apologies - I'll try to be more down to earth.

[spudfan]

Fair enough, I've seen the light and will now switch to another topic....

I've been reading a book on gravity - I can't put it down

[Broithe]

I'm not at all interested in gravity, I just don't see the attraction.

[spudfan]

 Then there was the dyslexic Satanist who sold his soul to Santa.

And something completely different.........

A new recruit to the French Foreign Legion was been shown around the encampment by an officer. At the back of the tents they came across a solitary camel sitting down.
"What's the camel for?" asks the new recruit.
"Well" says the officer "there are over 200 men here with "urges and needs". When they need some relief they take it in turns to use the camel".
A couple of days later the officer is doing the rounds and he sees the new recruit, trousers down around his ankles having his evil way with the camel.
"What are you doing?" he roars.
The new recruit looks up and says "You said that when the men have "urges and needs" they use the camel. Well I have some "urges and needs" today so I'm using the camel"
The officer replies "When the men have "urges and needs" they ride the camel to the nearest town...…"

 

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO TORONTO , WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.
SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.
THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.
THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."
THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.
THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."
HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.
THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.
"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO." 

Edited June 1, 2019 by spudfan

[Lambeg man]

A young army recruit fresh from basic training gets posted to a base way out in the desert. As he approaches the main gate, it suddenly swings open and a large crowd of soldiers come running out, shouting "The camels are coming! Hurrah! The camels are coming!"

Placing his kit bag on the ground, the young recruit watches this melee run past him. In their midst, he spies the Regimental Sergeant Major (RSM) to whom he shouts -

"Private Smith reporting Sir!"

The RSM pauses momentarily and looks at the recruit.

"Any orders Sir?" asks the recruit.

"Get in here with the rest and start running."

"Why Sir? Why should I run?"

The RSM shouted as he himself resumed running - "Look son, you don't want to end up with an ugly one....."

 

 

King Harold was inspecting his troops on the eve of the Battle of Hastings.

He came to a man holding a large broadsword. "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"Yes sire." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"See that daisy sire?" said the man pointing to the ground in front of him. At that the man stepped back, drew the sword high above his head, then brought it swiftly down and split the daisy head.

Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "He's good, make sure he is on my right side in the battle tomorrow."

Moving on, King Harold came to another man holding a large Battle-ax. "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"Yes sire." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"Do you see that bee above your head sire?" As Harold looked up the man swung the ax swiftly above the king's head and split the bee in two.

Again Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "He's good, make sure he is on my left side in the battle tomorrow."

Reaching a man at the end of the line, who was holding a bow and arrow, Harold asked him "Is that your weapon soldier?"

"No sire, I borrowed it." replied the man.

"Are you any good with it?" asked the king.

"I'm not sure, I've never really used it before" replied the man.

"Look" said Harold, "There is a barn door over there, must be only 20 yards or so. See if you can fire an arrow at it."

The man fumbled with the bow and arrow, eventually releasing the arrow which went off at 90 degrees to where he should have been aiming.

Again Harold looked at his Aide-de-camp. "Keep him as far away from me as possible in the battle tomorrow. He's going to have someone's eye out with that thing."

 

 

[Lambeg man]

A man tees off for a go around his local golf course by himself on a Sunday morning.

Seeing this, St. Peter goes to God.

"God, have you seen what that man is doing on the holy sabbath morning. He is playing golf."

"Yes, I can see that." says God.

"So what are you going to do to punish him God?" says St. Peter.

"Watch this." says God.

The man tees off from the 4th and by divine intervention his ball goes straight into the 4th hole - a "hole in one"..........

"Was that supposed to punish him?" asks St. Peter.

God rubbed his bread and smiled at St. Peter................

"Who is going to believe him?"

[jhb171achill]

And then there's the Cavan man who takes his glasses off when he's not looking at anything.....

[Broithe]

2 hours ago, NIR said:

I dug up a small German bomb in my back garden when I was 10, threw it against a wall to see what happened, then reburied it. It's still there!

I know for sure it was a bomb as I remembered to ask some metal detectorists about it few years back. Just a small explosive to disrupt roofing so incendiaries can take hold. They asked me what I did with it and their heads rolled back and their eyes rolled back when I told them!

Apparently you are supposed to ring 999 and ask for RAF Bomb Disposal but, informally, they are happy leaving things alone

A friend of mine opened a hand grenade shop.

All was well for the first few hours, as everybody who bought one paid with cash.

But then a bloke wanted to pay with a card, so he asked him for the PIN...

[spudfan]

Two lads are sitting in the canteen having their lunch. Two women are sitting near them having their lunch. Suddenly one of the women starts to choke on a piece of food. Her friend is doing her best to dislodge it but without success. One of the lads jumps up and runs over to lend assistance. He gets behind the women in distress yanks down her jeans and underwear the he licks one of the cheeks of her rear end. Suddenly she coughs and up comes the piece of food and she spits it out. Her friend then proceeds to help her to get dressed. Our hero returns to his table and says to his friend.
"I always knew that Hind Lick Manouver would come in handy some day".

[WRENNEIRE]

[WRENNEIRE]

[Noel]

 

[Noel]

Where is that Dave ( @WRENNEIRE )? Limerick Junction?

[WRENNEIRE]

No idea man, stumbled across it on some site 

[WRENNEIRE]

Did you know Yul Brynner was a Liverpool fan, but he smelt awful? 

I did, Yul never wore Cologne!

Sorry people cabin fever is kicking in

 

 

[WRENNEIRE]

Well, thats them sorted
 

[WRENNEIRE]

I am here to say goodbye to this forum that I love. It wasnt the stupid bullying accusation, at which I am still laughing
but its my wife. She accused me of being on this forum every couple of hours, and she cant stand it any more,
We argued and she said to chose between her or the forum, So I will be offline for an hour while I help her pack her bags and drop her over to her sister.

[NIR]

Reminds me of this Bernard Manning one

A man says to his wife, pack your bags I've won the Pools

Oooh, where are we going?

Nowhere, pack your bags and f*** off

[Broithe]

Or...

 

I'm going down the pub, get your coat on.

Ooh, am I coming?

No, but I'm knocking the heating off on the way out.

[WRENNEIRE]

Askin for a friend

Is this a Cat Scan or a Copy Cat?

 

[WRENNEIRE]

Just heard this evening that the man who invented the Knock Knock jokes is to get a No Bell prize!

[JasonB]

Package recieved today...

[spudfan]

Some years ago my wife and her sister took their mother shopping. One of the things on the list was a new bra for the mother in law. Anyway the expedition was made, the bra was bought and fitted and the old one dumped in the backseat of the car.
There the bra lay in full view of anyone looking in the window. Of course I drove around and parked up for quite sometime without spotting the aforementioned garment. It finally came to light when I was in the local builder provider's yard and I went to fold down the seats. Enough said.

[Broithe]

A chap I worked with fell off a ladder at home and broke both legs. He became quite obsessed about 'safety when working at height' and the conversation would often be diverted by him onto this subject. He bought some aluminium scaffolding, as he was never going up a ladder again - a decision that he would often inform people about. He had a holiday cottage in Wales and, unfortunately, he discovered that his beloved scaffolding would not fit in his car. Undaunted by this, he bought one of those tiny Honda pickups that was about in the early 1980s, just so he could take his scaffolding with him on holiday.

He had been in the Navy for many years and I suspected that, at home, he would also park 'facing out', as he did in the car park at work - circumstances were to prove the correctness of my assumption. I nipped out to the car park and measured the tailgate, then we made a prefabricated sign that could be attached in a few seconds by means of some wire-ties.

Nothing happened after we attached the sign...

Until a fortnight later, when he came in one morning, demanding to know "Who did it!?" He had only finally seen the sign when his son, who had been sent out to wash the pickup, reported finding it.

I still have a picture of it somewhere -

R. G. Lewis (Scaffolding) Ltd.

Enormous erections a speciality.

He said that lots of people had been beeping and waving at him for the fortnight, but he just assumed that he must know them, so he just smiled and waved back

 

[Broithe]

The same chap was a good bit older than us and very 'straight', he wasn't going to be listening to 'pop' music at all, for example.

His son was in the Cubs and he often spent some time at the weekends taking them on hikes with another parent. We often got reports of his weekend activities. Over a period of time, it became slowly clear that this other parent, who he referred to as 'my friend, Mr Osbourne', was actually Ozzy Osbourne, who lived not far from him at that time.

We carefully enquired about 'Mr Osbourne' and the description was good enough - and the assessment "I'm not sure what he does, I believe he's involved in the music industry and he does have a wine bar in Newport" - it was clearly Ozzy.

We all resolved not to let Gerry in on the full details, as it must have been quite a relief for Ozzy to have some 'time off' from being 'his public self'.

It went on for a few years, without Gerry ever having any real idea of what was going on.

After one hike in the summer holidays, on a lovely summer's day around Dovedale, when there were crowds of walkers around, Gerry did remark that "He does seem to know a lot of people!"

 

As an aside, the school in the local village is All Saints Primary School, which seems an odd group to name it after - every now and then, somebody alters the sign to Black Sabbath Primary School.

Edited May 20, 2020 by Broithe

[WRENNEIRE]

[WRENNEIRE]

I've bought a face mask for my pet duck. It's nothing flashy,
but it fits the bill

[WRENNEIRE]

By the time you read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"...and be ready for  China .

Now, here goes...

 

The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in  China ......

 

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: "  Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!?... Pryed, boyud, pochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I.... Don't think so.."

RoomService: "No?  Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'...Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ...  Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

RoomService: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

 

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS' ...

[Broithe]

I worked with a Japanese chap. He had arrived in the UK in his early twenties, so his accent was established.

His English was very good, but, over the next twenty years, because he was largely interacting with people who knew him and were 'trained' to understand him, he got a bit less determined to speak clearly.

One day, I was involved with a failure of the factory floor and he happened to be passing by. It was the sort of thing that he would have had a knowledge of, so I indicated that we wanted his opinion. He gave a long and detailed account of what he thought was wrong and what we should do - then he went on his way.

The chap who was directly involved with the job didn't really know him and asked me to explain what we were going to do. I did. Then he asked me, in all seriousness, how long it had taken me to learn Japanese.

Through the whole three or four minutes of the conversation, he had no idea that we were being spoken to in English.

 

[WRENNEIRE]

So something similar to a Kerry accent?