KMCE Posted September 9, 2020 Posted September 9, 2020 I'm just going to leave this here....... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cWs4WA--eKU&t=1s 1 3 Quote
WRENNEIRE Posted September 10, 2020 Posted September 10, 2020 Ken, The lockdown obviously has not been kind to you Drop by on Sunday and I will let you see some real eye candy, MM121! 1 Quote
WRENNEIRE Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 Eight Euro to see Father Christmas! Waited for an hour in a queue and got a one minute meeting with him Got an absolutely rubbish toy What a bleedin' rip off, absolutely fuming. So glad I didn't bring the kids! And while I'm at it Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? 3 3 Quote
Broithe Posted December 7, 2020 Posted December 7, 2020 12 minutes ago, WRENNEIRE said: Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets? For the same reason as, when the Americans give you a lethal injection, they use a sterile needle. 1 Quote
jhb171achill Posted January 17, 2021 Posted January 17, 2021 On 16/12/2020 at 12:38 PM, WRENNEIRE said: Let's hope there isn't a similar rule for model railways......... I knew one enthusiast who saw his 103rd..........he's gone off to the "sunny uplands" now where the 12ins = 1ft scale "Woolwiches" he used to drive are everywhere......... 1 Quote
Broithe Posted January 28, 2021 Posted January 28, 2021 1 hour ago, WRENNEIRE said: Made me smile Spike was always a source of such things... 1 Quote
jhb171achill Posted February 26, 2021 Posted February 26, 2021 Guy goes to confession. "Father, forgive me, for I have sinned". Priest says to him: "Yeahh..... I saw it on Facebook....." 3 Quote
David Holman Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 Best read with a French accent. Pierre is a fighter pilot and one day he takes his girlfriend Mimi for a picnic. After a while, things get amorous and they start kissing, though Mimi is a little perturbed when Pierre pours red wine on her face. Pierre! What are you doing? I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I kiss your rich red lips, I must have the red wine to accompany them. Things develop and Mimi's top comes off, though she is surprised when Pierre pours white wine over her bosom. Pierre, what are you doing? I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I kiss your milky white bosom, I need the white wine to accompany it. Now things get really amorous and Mimi's drawers come down. However, she is horrified when Pierre pours brandy over her and sets fire to it. Pierre! What are you doing??? I am Pierre the fighter pilot and when I go down, I go down in flames! 2 2 Quote
WRENNEIRE Posted April 6, 2021 Posted April 6, 2021 Cheers David My 12 year old Grandaughter has just asked me some very embarrassing questions...... 2 Quote
David Holman Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 Ok, here's another. An egg and a chicken are sitting in bed, sharing a post coital cigarette. The chicken says, 'Well that solves the riddle then!' 1 1 Quote
skinner75 Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 Did you hear about the mouse? The faster he ran, the much Quote
jhb171achill Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 2 hours ago, skinner75 said: Did you hear about the mouse? The faster he ran, the much ........? (Maybe I'm a bit slow!) 1 Quote
Lambeg man Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 22 minutes ago, jhb171achill said: (Maybe I'm a bit slow!) So am I.... Quote
Galteemore Posted April 7, 2021 Posted April 7, 2021 Clearly the mouse is lapping most of us here ! 1 Quote
skinner75 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 It's one I heard years ago - but at least it isn't 'blue'! Quote
skinner75 Posted April 8, 2021 Posted April 8, 2021 Kinda along the lines of the Joe Walsh album "The smoker you drink, the player you get" 1 Quote
David Holman Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Every morning, a man takes the bus to his local golf course, where he has found that he can find lots of lost balls from those playing in the gloom the night before. On this particular morning, he fills his pockets to bursting point. Going back home on the bus, a young lady sits opposite him and he notices her staring at his trousers. Golf balls, he explains. Ooh, is that like housemaid's knee? She replies... 3 Quote
David Holman Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Meanwhile, back in the mists of time, the Vikings are raiding the coast of England, but after many expeditions over the years, Olaf decides he's getting old for this, plus his sight is failing, so plans that the next raid will be his last, so he asks his wife if she would like his to bring something home for her. As it happens, I would, she says - can you get me a stainless steel sink, dearie? Olaf is dubious about this, but promises to do his best. When the raiding party lands on the coast, he tells his crew to look out for a stainless steel and not come back without one. After a weekend of pillaging, the crew return to the ship, but apart from a few woad pots and other trinkets there is no sign of a sink. Eventually, the last crewman comes stumbling across the beach and certainly seems to be carrying something large on his shoulders. However, when he gets close enough for Olaf to see what it is, the old man realises that it is not what he wanted, but instead is a bricklayer's hod. Olaf demands and explanation and reply comes: Well, everybody knows a hod is as good as a sink to a blind Norse... 4 4 Quote
Lambeg man Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) A guy suspects his wife is having an affair while he is at work. So one morning, having arrived at work several hours earlier he picks up the phone to call home. A very young girl answers. "Hello darling, it's Daddy" "Hello Daddy." comes the reply. "Darling, I want you to do something special for Daddy. To play a special game I want you to go upstairs and tell Mummy that Daddy has just driven into the front drive. When you've done that, come back to the phone and tell me what happens." "Okay Daddy." comes the reply. The guy waits a few minutes and finally the little girl returns to the phone. "Hello Daddy." "Hello darling. So what happened when you told Mummy that Daddy was outside the house?" "Well, Mummy was in bed and when I told her you were outside she jumped out of the bed. Then a man with no clothes on jumped out of the bed as well. He ran over to the window and jumped out." "What happened then darling?" He ran across the back garden, past the swimming pool and jumped over the back fence. Then there was a screech of brakes and a bus came through the back fence. There are loads of people hurt and bleeding. What shall I do Daddy?" "Sorry, did you say swimming pool?" "Yes Daddy" "I'm sorry, it appears I've dialed a wrong number." Edited April 13, 2021 by Lambeg man 3 Quote
Lambeg man Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 (edited) The story goes that all the US cavalry men at the Battle of the Little Big Horn were all killed. Not true actually. One officer and a corporal escaped. To avoid detection by the native people, they traveled by night and slept by day for three days as they headed east. Finally, starving and exhausted, they reached a stretch of railway line. "We're saved." said the officer. "Not quite yet sir." said the corporal. "It could be a week before a train comes past. But look, there is a railway hut over there where we can shelter." Making their way inside the hut they found emergency rations left for the track workers. "Let's light a fire and cook these sausages." said the officer. "Not a good idea sir. If we light a fire passing Indians might see the light and we'll be done for." "I suppose you're right." said the officer. "Hang on sir," said the corporal. "I've an idea. There are several chocolate bars in the bottom of the ration box. If we rub the chocolate in our hands and smear it over the windows, then the light of fire should not be seen." "Great idea." said the officer. So they did this and smeared chocolate over the windows of the hut and cooked a meal. However the smoke from the fire was seen by a passing Sioux scout, who approached the hut to see what was going on. Having seen the situation in the hut, he rode straight back to Chief Sitting Bull's camp. The chief asked him what he had seen and in a loud voice the Sioux scout sang - HUTS OOOOH RAILWAY HUTS!.. UH!.. CAVALRY TAKE THEM AND THEY COVER THEM IN CHOCOLATE! Edited April 14, 2021 by Lambeg man 5 1 Quote
WRENNEIRE Posted April 13, 2021 Posted April 13, 2021 Been humming that tune for the last couple of hours Quote
David Holman Posted April 15, 2021 Posted April 15, 2021 Along the same lines, a man has the first few bars of Somewhere Over the Rainbow going incessantly through his head, but somehow can't remember the rest. This goes on all day until, very distracted, he steps out into the road and is knockdown by a bus. As he lies there on the ground, the song is still going through his head: Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high, there's a land that I dreamed of, once in a lullaby... Suddenly, the two tone horn of the approaching ambulance finally jogs his memory: Na na na Na na na... Meanwhile, an Italian rabbit goes into a sandwich bar and asks for a toasted cheese sandwich. Next day he returns and orders a toasted ham sandwich. This goes on for several days, ordering a different one each time. However, at the end of the week he collapsed and is found lying on the floor. When asked what was wrong, he gasped: I mixeda my toasties! Finally, for now, a chicken goes into a library and the assistant is amazed when the chicken actually speaks and says 'Book'. So the assistant gives the chicken a book and off it goes. This happens several times and eventually the assistant decides to follow the chicken to see where it goes. First, it waits at the bus stop and eventually takes a bus going out into the countryside, getting off at the next village. There, by the pond is a frog, surrounded by the books the chicken has brought it. 'Book' says the chicken, placing the new one by the frog. 'Reddit', replies the frog... 2 Quote
WRENNEIRE Posted June 2, 2021 Posted June 2, 2021 Just heard there is a mad rush for weddings in Cavan before the guest numbers go up! 3 Quote
skinner75 Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 Oh dear oh dear.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fKYiTUK-JQ 1 Quote
Broithe Posted October 1, 2021 Posted October 1, 2021 1 hour ago, skinner75 said: Oh dear oh dear.... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8fKYiTUK-JQ When you're in a hole, stop digging. Quote
Broithe Posted May 28, 2022 Posted May 28, 2022 A friend of mine got involved in one of the interminable "bus replacement services" on the Big Island the other day,,, 1 2 Quote
Galteemore Posted May 28, 2022 Posted May 28, 2022 Excellent. And you can always purchase one of these if you wish to try it at home….. 1 1 2 Quote
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